Second-hand virgin

I don’t know if this qualifies for a heroic deed on my part, but it happened a few years ago and I’m still mulling over the underlying issues that were raised that day. It was an argument with a former colleague, and like all arguments it was quite silly to begin with and quite pointless, too.

My former colleague... well, let’s give him a name, shall we?... perhaps, Rudolph would sound better because that way no one will be able to guess his real identity. Anyway, Rudy and I were talking about long-term relationships and marriage because he thought he needed to talk about these issues with me since I happen to be single and he happens to be married, and well, he thought, I needed to do something to change my single status.

Why my single-status should be a source of concern to a colleague at work is something that I’ll never understand, but hey, that’s a digression.

Anyway, I told Ruddy that I don’t plan on remaining single forever but will only marry if and when I meet someone I want to grow old with, and someone with whom I can talk and not get bored. I thought that was a reasonably good explanation even if it’s me saying so, but Ruddy had to ask another question.

“Will you marry a girl who is not a virgin,” he asked, “or will you even consider a woman who had a serious boyfriend in the past?”

I didn’t think of this as a serious issue, and so I told him, “a woman’s past really doesn’t bother me unless she is still pining for her lost love, but if she is not, then, it shouldn’t matter.”

Ruddy couldn’t believe his ears. He thought I had lost it completely, and he became increasingly aggressive as I explained my position. And finally he questioned my manhood because I refused to take a firm stand against women with previous relationships.

I felt this argument was getting to be quite pointless, and wanted to look for an escape hatch and leave my colleague alone with his regressive views. But no, it didn’t end up that way at all because he had to explain his position and that made matters even worse.

He told me that a wife has to be a virgin because a real man must marry a woman who is untainted either physically or emotionally. And if any man does marry a woman with a past it’ll be like purchasing second-hand goods.

It took me a while to digest what he said and then, I told him that it was a load of bollocks. Not a good move because it only made him more furious. My point was, if it’s ok for a man to have relationships before marriage, then, why should such a big deal be made about women? His answer was that women are different because once they lose it they lose it forever, but then, I asked him, doesn’t the same apply to a man because once he’s done it, then, he can never do it for the first time ever again.

What really made me mad was this assumption that women were some kind of a product that must be acquired in its pristine form only. And that this product (for want of a better word) must be seen as a baby-making machine because, according to Ruddy, that’s the purpose of marriage anyway.

I felt sad for Ruddy not because he missed the whole point of marriage, which is lifelong companionship with someone you love, but more so, because he failed to recognize that women are, after all, people with feelings, emotional experiences and their own unique perspectives on life. What a sad life, I thought, if one has to live an entire lifetime without being able to relate with women as the human beings that they are.

But the really sad thing is. . . Ruddy is not alone. There are many more Ruddy’s out there who think along the same lines. It is these Ruddy’s who have given ‘men’ a bad name in the eyes of women everywhere. It is these Ruddy’s who seem to define gender equations… and I think it’s about time we say, ENOUGH!!!


Anonymous said…
Wow! Wow! ......truly men like these Rudy should be asked to buzz off coz they are like the rotten apple who earns a bad name for us men. Living in today's world I don't really understand how can virginity really pose to be an issue. Anyways, I like your response friend...way to go! :)
Do drop by my blog too coz it's full of interesting posts.
Unknown said…
Hey Ashish,

I think I understand where you are coming from.

It is sad that many have Rudy's "self righteous" attitude about the very issues that they themselves have "double standards" about.

The Bible is very clear on issues such as this. When we ask God to forgive us of our sins, He cleanses us of all past unrighteousness and makes us clean, "whiter than snow". So, who are we to condemn the woman who has had similar pasts and who now can come clean as the Bible says?

We need to recieve God's grace into our lives and also allow grace in the lives of others around us.

We need to be careful to live our lives and also be careful not to judge others by a different yardstick. For one day, we all will have to come face to face with our JUDGE to whom we will have to give an account for our lives.

As for me, I wanna run the race of life in such a way as to hear the LORD say 'WELL DONE!'
Ashish Gorde said…
It's the inconsistency that really bothers me the most: moral codes should apply equally to both men and women, and men shouldn't be seen as totally exempt just because they are men. Besides, I think, it's quite ludicrous to reject someone on the basis of past relationships... and to force such an insane criteria only on women smacks of cruelty and insensitivity. Yes, Aubrey, more grace is required... but who listens?
Unmana said…
Good for you. Wish all men thought this way - and all right-thinking men were vocal about their opinons.
destinychild said…
Coming from a man.. I think it was truly heroic on your part..

Ask Ruddy to *shove it up..* from my side..

Loved the way you said it all without saying too much! :)
Anonymous said…
Funny how you aren't married yet. Reading this you make a real catch. If I get any proposals I'll get them to read this blog. Spoken like a real man.

Hey Ash way to go man.
Ash, India is full of Ruddys. I call it double standards.

BTW, I can relate with you when someone asks me why haven't I married as yet? I never understood how shouldthat affect anyone other than myself.
Hi Ashish. I would like to invite you to read some of your posts and be part of a discussion at an Elham event at Al-Riwaq gallery in Adliya at 7 pm. Other participants include Hisham Khalifa, Mahmood al-Yousif and others. The discussion is called Language, Culture, and Expression in the Internet Age. Elham is a local creative arts group. Please visit the site at Please get in touch with Phoebe at or Deonna Kelli Sayed at We really like your work and want you to be a part of this. Please contact us today. Thanks
FATEN said…
i feel sorry for Rudy's wife and daughters.
sadly most people i know think this way, even women.

the definition of being a good young woman which has "good wife potentials" to begin with is solely restricted to whether our hymen is still intact...

Popular Posts