Monday, August 08, 2005

Three Little Pigs - the wolf's perspective.

All I needed was pork but all I got was a fable in which I was made a prime villain. Terribly unfair. I could even call it 'unjust' but I am not sure who'd actually believe me. Or even care.

After all, who bothers about wolves anyway? We are not cute and domesticated like the way dogs are, and neither are we known for our gentleness and kindness. Or, at least, that's the general consensus.

However, let me remind you that we are the gentlest creatures on God's earth and, given a chance, we can be as docile and cuddlesome as those dogs that inhabit human homes.

Our biggest problem is that we are huge. Unmanageably huge. And we have a big mouth, really big. A chihuahua can easily sneak into our mouth when we open it wide. And our teeth are like pens that humans use for writing their thoughts and whatever. Now there are dogs that are bigger than us but for some reason, we are discriminated against because we are born and raised in the wild. It seems our wild background has given us a fierce quality that inspires instant revulsion.

So you see, one glance in our direction doesn't exactly make humans go 'ooooh' and 'aaaah'. Instead, they get the vilest thoughts imaginable in the entire animal kingdom.

It's a pity because if these humans try a little harder, they'd discover that we aren't that bad at all. Like all good creatures, we just follow our instincts and do not mean to cause harm to anyone. Humans, for example, should be the least bit worried from us because we find them highly unappetising -- unless, ofcourse, a sumo wrestler is for dinner but that's only when we are highly desperate. But by and large, we prefer non-human herbivores as our preferred snack. Pigs, for instance, can be highly succulent and hugely delicious if our teeth ever manages to sink into their flesh.

Now I know that humans eat pig and have dedicated farms where they rear these fat creatures for consumption. And yet... now this is something that I cannot understand... the day I went out for a walk and saw three little pigs that I wanted to eat I suddenly became a bad guy.

I can handle being called a villain because it adds a certain aura to one's personality and lends a dangerous edge that some female wolves find highly irresistible. So you see, I can take that kind of dishonour and won't feel the least bit offended by the insult.

However, what irks me most is that the entire situation was triviliased and I was made to look like a fool. Look... I was just hungry, alright. I saw food in the form of three little pigs and I did what any full blooded wolf would do. I followed my nose and pursued my prey. Anything wrong in that?

Now how would I know that these three pigs were 'blessed' with construction skills. Have you ever seen pigs making houses out of straw, sticks and bricks? And have you ever heard a pig remarking, "By the hair of my chinny chin chin, I wont let you come in" after you've knocked the door and asked to be let in. Who talks like that?

Now ok... the first two pigs were easy peasy. I huffed and puffed and blew their houses made of straw and sticks, and finished eating those pigs in a gulp. Alright, not exactly a gulp but you know what I mean.

However, the last pig was a smart ass character. He knew I'd get an asthmatic attack after trying to huff and puff and blow his brick house down, and still he yelled out and told me that his house was made of light cardboard. I had to take medication after all that blowing and, you know, asthma treatment is not even covered in my insurance.

On top of all that, I tried to be friends with him and thought let bygones be bygones and let me enjoy some turnips with him. I figured that a little turnip hunt will help us in our bonding and bolster our friendship. But no, the pig had to be a little competitive and he went and got the turnips all by himself. He repeated the same action when I asked him if we could get some apples together or even go to the fair.

He even had the audacity of rolling in a barrel and hurting me in the process. How should I know this little twerp will be inside a barrel? When I saw this thing rolling towards me, it scared the living daylights out of me. Remember, for all my fierce exterior I'm quite a softy inside.

At last, I thought I should enter his house through the chimney because he wouldn't let me in through the door. I was worried that the barrel might have caused him some pain and so I brought some wolf ointment for him. But what should happen when I land through the chimney? I fall straight into a pot full of boiling water...!!!

The fable says that the splash marked my end but, if truth be told, it wasn't. I jumped straight out of the pot and ran home as fast as I could. I had to be hospitalised for a month or two and had to take another two months of treatment. Finally, I got myself a lawyer and sued the little pig for harassment, bodily injury, humiliation, defamation. And yes, I'm pleased to tell you that there is justice in this world and, today, as an out of court settlement, I'm living in that brick house and the pig has become my valet.

2 comments:

gautami tripathy said...

I only hope you do not make him you HAM sandwich one of these days!

Anonymous said...

I don't really understand this perspective! Please make this MORE CLEAR! Thanks..